Your tiny intoxicated brain, seemingly bobbing about in a skull full of oil, wanders whilst you're sitting bare-ass on a doctor's examination table. The thin paper-towel covering it riding up your crack, slightly. For a moment, you contemplate the embarrassing gravitas of leaving a skidmark on it.

These thoughts are quelled.

"Sir, your social security coverage is only 65% for this procedure, you'll still pay 2000 Euros in the end."

"AW FUCKIN SHIT DUDE. I THOUGHT THIS WAS FUCKIN FREE. FUCK."

"And your urine sample tested positive for marijuana, which is also going on your permanent health record."

"GODDAMIT MAN I THOUGHT YOU HAD LIKE A CONFIDENTIALITY OATH THAT YOU FUCKIN SWORE OR SOME SHIT. THIS IS SOME FUCKED UP MAN I'M TOTALLY FUCKED NOW. ARE YOU GONNA CALL THE COPS OR SOMETHIN?"

"No, we're-"

"CUZ IM HIGH RIGHT NOW IM NOT FUCKIN KIDDING. GIVE ME THE FUCKIN TOOLS AND SCALPELS AND SHIT AND IM DOIN' IT MYSELF. LIKE I CAN WRITE YOUR BILL OFF AS A CONSULTANCY EXPENSE, RIGHT? YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO MAN AND I'LL FUCKIN DO IT."

"What I'm trying to say is quite complex, sir. I'd appreciate if you could listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you."

"YEAH OK, FUCK."

"Are you totally listening to this right now?"

"YEAH YEAH I AM MAN."

"The penile implant you've selected would require several skin grafts on your genitals in order to accommodate its' girth, so we've looked into possible donors and so far, have managed to find two square meters of penis skin."

"WOW SO DID YOU SEW IT ALL TOGETHER AND LIKE FUCKIN MAKE A PONCHO OR SOME SHIT? I MEAN CUZ I WANT IT NICE AND NEAT LOOKING. NOT LIKE SOME FUCKIN PATCHWORK BURRITO."

"Sir, I'm finding it harder and harder to contain how completely stoned I am right now, and if I crack up laughing and tripping at work, I could totally get fired and like, end up homeless and shit."

"WHAT?"

"what?"

"MY DICK IS GONNA BE SO BIG."